I was on a boat!

So, normally my tour transportation consists of a very large bus, but I just recently completed my first tour CRUISE!  Ok, not so much a tour cruise, but a music boat.  Really if you think about it, it is a genius idea.  If any of you have been on a regular cruise you can admit the entertainment is…well they try.  But, it kind comes off as a mixture of high school and college performance (and I am not talking Julliard).  So the idea of going on a cruise where the acts are all professional, all bands you have (well pretty much)  heard of, and you get to see them all for one set price is pretty inspired. 

So cruises…what have I got to say about them?  Well I think the one thing that totally stands out to me is the service.  I think very few Americans could actually staff a cruise, they are just too nice and too eager to please.  I am sorry Americans, but you would get sick of that after the first day.  There is no WAY your average American server could stay that chipper and that friendly for that long, especially when you think about the average cruise go-er.

The worst part of a cruise?  Well that is a tie in my opinion- first everything is included on a cruise EXCEPT alcohol.  You can see the dilemma.  Second, and I might offend some with this, is the food.  I am just NOT that impressed.  And, I know they are feeding thousands with supplies they must keep fresh on a BOAT in the middle of the OCEAN, but to me it is glorified cafeteria food.  There I said it.  Even the all day and all night ice cream everyone raves on is Ice Milk, it is not real ice cream (or even frozen yogurt).  I mean I guess it is good in a pinch, and I think it may have fewer calories, but it is not creamy by any stretch of imagination.

 

Personally, I would prefer to go to one place, rent a vacation house and stay for like a week.  You may get to go to beautiful places on a cruise- but you are limited with time and with resources to get around.  I like to really explore a destination, and I’ll be honest I like to explore at a leisurely pace (ie. I want the option to sleep in till noon- I am on vacation).  On a cruise, if you wake up at noon you normally have maybe 4-5 hours left to explore your destination.  At most, you might get 10 hours if it is a late ship out...but that is normally only one port. 

Now reading this you may think I am only complaining and that I had a horrible time, but this is not true.  Like I said, the service, the crew…they were AMAZING.  And if only to keep them all employed I would urge everyone to go on at least one cruise.  I loved getting to hang with my friends, and destroy them in a photo scavenger hunt (photos and list to come soon).  I loved the family style dinner every night and knowing that I would get to enjoy dinner with our friends and share our adventures from the day.  Basically, I was very grateful for the opportunity to get to go on a cruise, and if asked I would not hesitate to go with my husband on the next music boat.

Itty. Bitty. Bathrooms.

Itty bitty bathrooms.  There is no way around it on a tour bus, at least on our tour bus, and they can be quite problematic for a number of reasons.  Here are a few of my fave-

-It is an itty bitty bathroom, with thin, itty bitty walls…normally there are at least 2-11 people outside of said walls.  Are you getting the visual?  All of us can have a bit of performance shyness, and well there is nothing like knowing 11 other people can hear you going to the bathroom to help make even the most bold of us pause before tinkling.

-Sometimes we have a fast load out, which means you have to change on the bus.  Being one of the only girls means you need a private spot to change, and that normally is the itty bitty bathroom.  I have yet to manage doing it without hitting at least my head, arm and normally my leg on something in there.

-Itty bitty bathrooms don’t have the best flushing systems, so the smell is not always so great.  It is key to make sure you stay up on cleaning out/flushing out the water tanks.

I could keep going, but I am pretty sure that is more than enough visual images of an itty bathroom for one day.

Here is the question...

How much cereal is too much cereal?  

(Please note I found two more boxes after this shot)

Another List

The nicest things you can do if a tour comes to your house/venue/church/theatre (in no particular order)-

1-      Have REAL SALAD, iceberg lettuce is not included in this definition, or anything healthy really.  Yes, everyone loves chicken in cream sauce, mashed potatoes, and anything with bacon; BUT we also love our waist lines.  If you give us some healthy options to go with your creamy chicken cheese surprise I promise you will be the tour’s favorite stop.

2-      If ordering catering or supplying meals please make sure you order enough so that everyone on the tour has some.  This is one instance when less is so not more.  If you have leftovers we will take them, but there is nothing worse than coming in for dinner and realizing there is none because there was not enough food.

3-      Offer them an essentials gift basket- toilet paper, paper towels, plastic cutlery, and paper plates.  We need these things, DESPERATELY, and we will love you for helping us out.  I am not asking for a Costco supply, I am asking for one roll of each and maybe a set of 10 of the plastic cutlery.  Worst case, we don’t need them and you get to keep the extras for your location.  Who doesn’t need paper plates?

4-      If you have showers on location, please also have towels.  We do not think to pack these, and to be truthful we do not have room for them in our suitcases.  If you have a shower that’s awesome, but it does nothing for us if you have no way for us to dry ourselves off.  You do not want the whole tour streaking around your location trying to air dry- that’s at least 26 naked bodies, and the only ones that would look cute are the toddlers.

5-      If you don’t have showers at your location please try and get more than one runner.  I know it is not a fun job to wait around and drive people where ever they want to go, its like have 20 pre-teens, but we NEED you.  Like really, really need you.

6-      Please don’t steal our stuff.  (That is pretty self explanatory)

7-      If you have Wifi at your location let us know, and if there are passwords protecting it- please share.  Our bus does have Wifi, but it’s slow and there are 12 of us using it which does not help either, so share the love.

8-      Liquid Coffeemate.  No powder please.  And if you really like us it will have flavor too.

9-      Don’t charge a merchandise fee.  This how we make our money, seriously, that is how we survive.  You taking 25% off of what we make can really hurt us.

10-   Try to be patient with us.  I know, at least in our instance, 26 people have just descended upon you and we can be pretty rambunctious.  We truly are very grateful to you and your hospitality.

Story Time

I know I said in my previous blog that it is possible to fit two people into one bunk, but I feel I should warn you that it does take practice.  The best warnings, in my opinion, are true stories.  So here is my true story about my first ever joint bunk night.

First things first, you need to understand what exactly I mean by bunk.  A tour bus bunk is roughly 7ft long by maybe 2-3 feet wide.  You have a ceiling above you that normally hosts a small tv screen.  This enables you to watch whatever is being watched in the front lounge in the privacy of your coffin, if you are feeling anti-social that night.  Other amenities include a pillow, mattress cover, a comforter (light weight) and a curtain that separates you from the rest of the world.  Oh I forgot (I just went and took some photos) there is also a small dome light, a pouch (so you can keep things handy) and a phone?  I am not sure if the phone works, I have never personally tried it…but you have one there.

Now that you can fully understand what a bunk is let’s get back to my story.  My husband and I decide to try and share a bunk one night, as we thought it could be romantic.  Neither of us are small people.  I am 5’11 and athletic, he is 6’2 and the same.  So, that was challenge one.   After some maneuvering we finally get to a spooning position that we think we can both live with, being that movement is pretty much not an option once someone goes to sleep.  I am on the inside facing the bus wall and my husband is on the outside with his back to the curtain.

All is going as well as can be expected, considering you can not move at all, when suddenly I lose the ability to breathe.  No, it is not an asthma attack nor any type of allergic reaction, it is simply the fact that my brain has decided not to function in such extremely tight quarters.  I open my eyes hoping this will help, but all I see are different bright spots in various shades of color passing before my eyes (most likely from lack of oxygen).

I try to move, but there is the passed out sleeping body of my husband draping on me rendering me even more trapped.  This is not good for my breathing situation.  I have only one action left- I shove my husband through the curtain, out of my bunk, and into the hallway.  Luckily, we are on the bottom bunk.  This wakes him up (obviously) and I hear a plaintative, “Honey?”

 Meanwhile, I am still trying to capture my breath in my coffin, I mean bunk.  Once my husband was gone it was much easier to breathe and after a few seconds (with my husband waiting patiently in the hallway in his pjs) I called out, “Its ok now, you can come back in”.  And we slept happily, if not a little fitfully, through the rest of the night.

THE END

Bus Guacamole

To keep this blog interesting I thought I would add in various craft projects and recipes as well, so here is my first one.  This little doozy got rave reviews during our show in Fresno.  I call it- Bus Guacamole.

To make bus guacamole you need two things- avocados (most likely brought with you because you do not want them to rot in your fridge).  AND, left over Mexican condiments (from the, sadly, catering that ran out).  Oh! And a bowl to make the guacamole in (some need the obvious stated).

Peel and de-seed the avocados and place in a bowl.   Look and take an accounting of the leftovers on the catering table.  Hopefully you have one to two salsas to choose from.  Add one spoonful of each to the avocados.  Chopped tomatoes, onions or picante are an excellent addition for texture- add a half a spoonful of each.  Salt and pepper to taste, if there is salt and pepper to use.

Mash ingredients together with a fork, steal the left over tortilla chips (there is always left over tortilla chips) and bring to the bus for immediate bus hero status.

The First One...

So, I currently live on a bus.  I have lived on a bus for the past 5 weeks.  There are a total of 12 ½ of us on the bus, the half being Annie, the adorable 17 month old baby.  Living on a bus can be fun, hilarious, and adventure and interesting, but in order to survive you must have rules-

1-      (This is the most important one) Do not go number two in the bathroom.

2-      The best way to open any door (bathroom, hallway, back lounge) is to knock twice then open with eyes cast downwards.  This allows you to not see anything when there is a shriek, which normally signifies someone is naked, and close the door safely.

3-      There is never enough room on a bus, never.  If you resign yourself to this now you will be much happier later.

4-      There is nothing wrong with bus water, I wouldn’t drink a cup of it, but I will brush my teeth with it (it help builds antibodies).

5-       Snuggies are not a joke, they are a lifesaver (ok- they also make good jokes).

6-      Air fresheners are both your friend and your savior (put near pillow to counteract the smell of the shoes that are more often than not lying directly facing your bunk).

7-       Put flare on your charger, 90% of the world have some form of a Mac,iPhone or iPod…and ALL their chargers  look alike (as I write this I currently have Jenny’s charger in my bag thinking it was my own).

8-      Threats of violence are great cleaning motivators, whether legitimate or in jest, (good to know when I have kids).

9-      Yes you CAN share a bunk with another person.

10-   You will make great friends extremely fast by living, essentially, in a hallway with them.  I imagine the probability of making great enemies is just as high.